Most things in life I've somehow managed  to screw up. The rest has been screwed up by luck, destiny, karma or whatever you want to believe in.

Like being married, happily might I add, and I still managed to be a singleparent. I mean, I should have been given a f*cking medal for being a singleparent in a marriage.

Maybe I was a victim of belife. Befief in that my husband means what he says and that everything's gonna be okay. Or maybe I was just plain stupid. Stupid in believing what a humanbeing is saying and believing in himself. Or maybe I should have just known better. Better than to trust.

There's no way to go back now. It's not like I can go and undo that I finally got pregnant, after years of trying. Not that I would want to. Being pregnant and having my precious son in my arms, and my life, is the best thing that ever happened to me. The only good thing that has ever happened to me. 

So because of this I'm not a good mother either. Just another thing I screw up. That used to be one of the most important things in life for me. To be a good mother. If I ever got pregnant that is. I never wanted to be a sick mother, an unable mother, poor and unable to provide a good life for my son. Most important of all, I never wanted, planned or imagined I would ever became a singlemom. 

But here I am. Realizing I'm just a big f*cking screw up. On so many levels. Just wish I could change my life, swap with someone. Someone who would think that just being born where I was is already like winnig the lottery. Or even better, if I could donate my life to someone. Someone that still has life to live, still has will to live. Still has belife. Belife in that everything's gonna be okay.

In life there's no guarantines, no refunds.

In life there's just those people that still have belife. Still have hope. Still have something to give.

Belife in people, in life, in goodness and hope.

And then there's people like me. Screwed up, supposed to be dead.

"Life's for the living, so live it, or you're better of dead."

Better of dead...