I've probably already said everything that can be said. 

I've probably already lived long enough.

I've probably already written my lifestory.

 

I have so many sicknesses and defects in my body, that it's just a matter of time before I break down more. And more. And then some.

I'm supposed to be young at my 37 (?) years, but so far my age hasn't saved me or kept me from sickness so why would it now? 

Well, I have a "new" defect. My back is finally breaking down. After all these years, it seems I have yet another 'place' that can't continue on anymore. But it's no news for me, I've just been waiting for what will break down next for years now. Almost for ten years I've been telling anybody that will lissen that I'm a timebomb ticking away. Second by second, neverknowing which second will be my last.

I've had a 'bad' back as long as I can remember. When I was a teenager the schoolnurse told me that my back is bending way too much forward, towards the stomack. A "lordosis" I think it's called. And that's all still fine when youre a teenager, but then life happened. I was doing physical activities alot, I've always liked moving around using my body. But at the tender age of nineteen, life interferred.

Life has never been the same after that. Don't even know anymore if my life has ever been good after that. Ever.

That's a pretty long time, I'm not good at math, but it's practically my whole entire adult life. (except a few years in between) So it's like my whole adult life has been difficoult, bad, worthless, etc. I think this is why I'm having an age crisis. It's like I'm still nineteen trying to start out my own life, away from parents. Yet, my birthdate tells me I'm no longer that young, years have piled on. And I'm everything BUT a teenager. I'm a mom, of an almost-a-teenager. 

What happened to me when I was nineteen has obviously changed my view of life so much, that I'm more like eighty years old. And I have so many things in common with them. Medication, pains, sicknesses- I'm an expert by now.

My life view has changed, I think in both good and bad. Because I've seen, and escorted dying/dead people- I appriciate how precious life is, and how we're supposed to seize every moment that we have like it's our last. We NEVER know who's turn is next.

At the same time I've seen that healthy life choices doesn't necesseraly save you or keep you from getting nasty sicknesses. I've become bitter and cynical, many say, I disagree.

I've witnessed the horror in a person when he relizes that this is his last hour in life, a person that doesn't wan't to die or isn't ready. I've witnessed children, small and big, get cancer, which to me is totally infammable. Totally incomprehensive. 

I've also seen and witnessed people that are everything from ready to die- to not yet understood that their time is up. 

So I would say I appreciate life, eventhough I don't want to live mine. That I see only one reasonable outcome of my situation in life, only one solution that would solve everything at once, doesn't mean that I admire death or want anybody else killed or harmed. Quite the opposite actually. I wish and want all the best to everybody else. Probably because I've had a taste of good life or because I know and appreciate that life can be wonderful. Somewhere deep inside of me I still want to live, but not this my life.