I've probably already said everything that can be said. 

I've probably already lived long enough.

I've probably already written my lifestory.

 

I have so many sicknesses and defects in my body, that it's just a matter of time before I break down more. And more. And then some.

I'm supposed to be young at my 37 (?) years, but so far my age hasn't saved me or kept me from sickness so why would it now? 

Well, I have a "new" defect. My back is finally breaking down. After all these years, it seems I have yet another 'place' that can't continue on anymore. But it's no news for me, I've just been waiting for what will break down next for years now. Almost for ten years I've been telling anybody that will lissen that I'm a timebomb ticking away. Second by second, neverknowing which second will be my last.

I've had a 'bad' back as long as I can remember. When I was a teenager the schoolnurse told me that my back is bending way too much forward, towards the stomack. A "lordosis" I think it's called. And that's all still fine when youre a teenager, but then life happened. I was doing physical activities alot, I've always liked moving around using my body. But at the tender age of nineteen, life interferred.

Life has never been the same after that. Don't even know anymore if my life has ever been good after that. Ever.

That's a pretty long time, I'm not good at math, but it's practically my whole entire adult life. (except a few years in between) So it's like my whole adult life has been difficoult, bad, worthless, etc. I think this is why I'm having an age crisis. It's like I'm still nineteen trying to start out my own life, away from parents. Yet, my birthdate tells me I'm no longer that young, years have piled on. And I'm everything BUT a teenager. I'm a mom, of an almost-a-teenager. 

What happened to me when I was nineteen has obviously changed my view of life so much, that I'm more like eighty years old. And I have so many things in common with them. Medication, pains, sicknesses- I'm an expert by now.

My life view has changed, I think in both good and bad. Because I've seen, and escorted dying/dead people- I appriciate how precious life is, and how we're supposed to seize every moment that we have like it's our last. We NEVER know who's turn is next.

At the same time I've seen that healthy life choices doesn't necesseraly save you or keep you from getting nasty sicknesses. I've become bitter and cynical, many say, I disagree.

I've witnessed the horror in a person when he relizes that this is his last hour in life, a person that doesn't wan't to die or isn't ready. I've witnessed children, small and big, get cancer, which to me is totally infammable. Totally incomprehensive. 

I've also seen and witnessed people that are everything from ready to die- to not yet understood that their time is up. 

So I would say I appreciate life, eventhough I don't want to live mine. That I see only one reasonable outcome of my situation in life, only one solution that would solve everything at once, doesn't mean that I admire death or want anybody else killed or harmed. Quite the opposite actually. I wish and want all the best to everybody else. Probably because I've had a taste of good life or because I know and appreciate that life can be wonderful. Somewhere deep inside of me I still want to live, but not this my life. 

Here I am again. Sitting in front of my computer, wondering about life. I wish I could tell you that everything is well. That I'm healthy and happy. That my life has changed since last. No. Sorry, no change. Or maybe more pain and suffering.

Don't even know how long it's been since I've "talked" to you last, dear diary. I know, sounds quite desperate, I mean who talkes to their diary. Right? Well I do. I guess I do when I'm lonely and need to get stuff of my chest. Usually, that's also when I don't feel so great. I'm depressed, I guess it's time to name it. Instead of just going around and saying that I don't feel so well. I guess it's an understatement. Even depression is an understatement. But I don't know any other word for it. Don't know if there is a word for it. 

I guess some would say that I'm at the end. Where there's no way back. That I'm at the bottom. From where there's no way up. But with my life-experience I can't say that either. The bottom is quite a safe place, it's a place where one cannot fall any deeper.

I'm not safe. I'm never safe. That's what my life has thought me. It can always get worse. I know it's harsh, and not anything you want to hear, but sorry, it's my truth. Many say that it's the depression talking. That would be too easy. To blame it all on a sickness. 

Sure, some of my depression, if we want to call it that (I have a difficoult time with that word! :) ) is coloring my thoughts even worse than they would be otherwise. But there's a seed. 

My seed, was my sickness. It's soon ten years ago. 

I mean, everybody that has a serious, life threatning decease, is more or less depressed. It's the "normal" reaction to when things don't go right in one's life. I mean, if a person doesn't react at all when a serious sickness hits one in the face one beatiful day, then there's something abnormal. A person is not supposed to fall sick at a young age. But it happens. A young person is supposed to have their whole life ahead of them, full of opportunities and suprises. Some not so great, sure, but many great things.

But when youre 27 years old, a small babys mom, youre not supposed to be facing the fact that youre about to die, and start planning a funeral.

But life happens! 

And when life has happened that's when youre supposed to pick up the pieces and continue or start again. I've been trying to do that for almost ten years, with no avail.

And I'm so exhausted at fighting my way back to life. Even exhaustion doesn't describe it, it's more than that. It feels like I'm a soldier who has been at the warfront for way too many years. For so long that I don't even notice the bullets anymore. Don't notice whether the war is still going on or not. And I'm the only soldier. The enemy is hidden, you can't see them, but you know they are there, because you keep getting wounded. Maybe it's not much, a little cut here, a little scar there, but when you've been there for ten years, it's hard to even keep standing. But it's like I don't even have a choice, I've just been thrown there, to the middle of nowhere, all by myself. And it feels like I'm climbing a mountain like the Everest everyday, but I'm still not getting anywhere. Maybe I'm not in war after all, maybe I've died and gone to hell.

I actually saw a film where they suggested that there is no hell, but that the hell is when you live even though youre life is ruined. That's how it feels.

And as I said, I know this is not what you'de like to hear, but if I diden't tell you the truth, then who would? 

Today has felt like a whole lifetime. Just one day, that feels it's been going on forever. A grey and grissly day, a day when you can't really know whether or not the sun has even gone up.

 

Yours Adanne

 

 

...an old woman, filled with regret, waiting to die alone...

I'm still here. Suffering. Not much more to say. My miserable life is an everyday constant uphill battle. It seems and feels like I've lived forever already. 

I wish I was better at this thing called life. I wish I knew what to do next, where to turn to. I feel stuck. In misery. I guess misery loves company.

Every once in a while, it seems like I'm trying. Trying something new, trying to live. Allthought, nothing feels like anything anymore. And even though how hard I try or how many times, nothing seems to change.

So it's like I've become something I always dredded. 

I have a big dilemma in life. I absolutly WANT to die, to NOT live this my ruined life. BUT the big dilemma is that I have a perfect, lovely son, who is my only blessing in life. Whom I love more than anything ever. Whom I would'nt EVER wan't to leave motherless. But I also can't live with being such a failed mother to him. He deserves better. He would deserve to se me as myself, as I really am. As I used to be. The way I was happy when I planned to have him, the way I was happy when I was waiting for him. Thinking, and planning our wonderful future.

Now, he doesn't know anything about that, his never seen even a glimt of everything I wanted and planned for him. 

And everything I wanted to give him.

I'm only a shadow of whom I used to be. And I am unable to provide a life for him. I'm asheamed of the way his life is and have been.

This is my reality, my everything. And I have to live with it every day, all the time, with every breath I take...

Just to make it clear. The thing that ruined my life was a big, sudden serious sickness. That has ruined everything. After, I haven't really had a life anymore. I'ts painful that nobody on this planet can understand this. What I've been through. I'm slowly starting to understand that maybe that's the way it's always gonna be. That that is the way it's supposed to be. That that's also something I just have to live with. Sometimes I actually try to accept everything in my life. There's days that I almost succeed in this. And then there's days when  I'm not able to do that. Days that I only fight for everything in my life that I have, and don't have.

Sometimes you break you're own heart just to let it free...

Sometimes it seems you gain less than you lose.