I have a big dilemma in life. I absolutly WANT to die, to NOT live this my ruined life. BUT the big dilemma is that I have a perfect, lovely son, who is my only blessing in life. Whom I love more than anything ever. Whom I would'nt EVER wan't to leave motherless. But I also can't live with being such a failed mother to him. He deserves better. He would deserve to se me as myself, as I really am. As I used to be. The way I was happy when I planned to have him, the way I was happy when I was waiting for him. Thinking, and planning our wonderful future.

Now, he doesn't know anything about that, his never seen even a glimt of everything I wanted and planned for him. 

And everything I wanted to give him.

I'm only a shadow of whom I used to be. And I am unable to provide a life for him. I'm asheamed of the way his life is and have been.

This is my reality, my everything. And I have to live with it every day, all the time, with every breath I take...

Just to make it clear. The thing that ruined my life was a big, sudden serious sickness. That has ruined everything. After, I haven't really had a life anymore. I'ts painful that nobody on this planet can understand this. What I've been through. I'm slowly starting to understand that maybe that's the way it's always gonna be. That that is the way it's supposed to be. That that's also something I just have to live with. Sometimes I actually try to accept everything in my life. There's days that I almost succeed in this. And then there's days when  I'm not able to do that. Days that I only fight for everything in my life that I have, and don't have.