Everywhere I go, reminds me of him. My home, my summerhouse, everywhere! And whatever I do, I hear him... Even in my dreams- his there. Nothing stop's the pain, nothing stop's the tears running down my face..

It would be better if he was dead- at least then I would know his in a better place, without sorrow or pain. Even though then I could never see him again, which is unthinkable, but he would be better off!

Life's not about thinking about oneself, but what life is, that I don't know. I would choose to die in a heartbeat if that would save him. But I guess only God can save him.

Where my God is, is something I don't know. Him whom I trusted, and loved, and believed in since I was born. I might be that it was I who turned my back at him first, but does it really matter how it all came down, cause it did. I've been reading the Bible about God and Jesus and all the people in it, about how hundreds of people were saved, but I don't even matter to him.

He has left me here, suffering. Even evil and bad people have been saved, but me, he doesn't even listen to.... WHY? What is life without God? It's HELL! I accept my verdict, I even embrace it, but why? Don't I even get an explanation, an answer?

People here at the hospital think I'm turning all my anger against myself, and that that's the reason why I keep hurting myself... I think that's textbookhorseshit! I hurt myself cause I HATE myself. I'm not trying to kill myself to get away from the pain (even though that's a nice bonus), I'm trying to kill myself because I want to DIE! Is that so hard to try and understand!? I can handle the pain, cause I CAN BE STRONG, but I need a reason!

It's probably just something these people here need to tell themselves, so that their world don't come crumbling down.... so that they can sleep through the night.

No matter how I feel or sleep. As long as their feeling good, right? (A small reminder! I'M THE PATIENT!) And now they are forcing me to go to sleep! Thanks! That helps a bunch! I have to go, at least to please them! It's important to please others right to the end, right?

 

Life's great! Yours truly and sincerly: Adanne